I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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