Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
