I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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