I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
