I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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