You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
even my farts smell like vagina
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
