break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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