What did we do last night that was yellow?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
