Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
