Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
