Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
