I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
