shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
