The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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