Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
