Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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