Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
