Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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