His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
