Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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