Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sarcasm needs its own font
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
