Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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