You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize