I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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