Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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