Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
