even my farts smell like vagina
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
