My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
