Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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