Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
