a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
