Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize