I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
