I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
