Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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