After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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