He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize