I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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