I don't think brook has ever known best
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
