She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
