Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
