and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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