Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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