The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
