this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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