Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
