So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize