he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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