im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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