I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
