Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize