i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
