you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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