She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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