How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
