You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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