Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
