I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think people are normalizing furries
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
