so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
