she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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