I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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