we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
