drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
