i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
