He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
