Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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