I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
