fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she woke up with a sticky ear
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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