She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
