His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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