How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
