Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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