Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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